New Discovery: Garwen the Great!
Sep. 23rd, 2011 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
febobeWe have just uncovered an additional document relating the adventures of one Garwen, wife of Slorn, which we have included here for your enjoyment and edification.
Garwen, daughter of Thranduil and sister of Legolas, is well-known as the only obese elf, due to her penchant for lasagna and salads drowned in French dressing. She is considered by many to be the reason Celebrian sailed West, as during the fray in which Celebrian was captured by orcs, she slapped the rump of Celebrian's horse, causing it to take off and dump Elrond's wife right into the hands of the waiting orcs.
In addition, Garwen is the real reason the dwarves were imprisoned: Bombur called daddy's favourite little girl "fat," resulting in prompt imprisonment. She is also the one who wanted the Arkenstone: she longed for a necklace "like Arwen's, Daddy!" which led to the Battle of Five Armies. Later on, she was the person who freed Gollum, which she did because "anybody who likes jewelry so much can't be bad." It was for these reasons that she was sent to Imladris with her brother Legolas: officially, ordered by Daddy to apologise personally for freeing Gollum; unofficially, with plans to steal the Evenstar so she would have a pretty necklace of her very own.
Garwen arrived in Imladris prior to the arrival of Aragorn and the hobbits, and was one of the many riders sent out by Elrond in search of the missing party. Unfortunately, she not only failed miserably, but got lost herself, and was found by Slorn only after many days of searching by both parties. They returned to Imladris just in time for her to assist in the care of the injured Frodo. Elrond asked her to mix up a sleeping-draught for the ailing hobbit, which she did, very effectively, but unfortunately she accidentally put the wrong cup on Elrond's supper-tray. As a result, Elrond was unconscious for three days and nights, during which time Garwen tended to young Frodo. She fed him pureed mushroom lasagna and sang to him, resulting in a progressive worsening of his condition. It is also known that she tried to take the Ring, but was caught by the twins Elladan and Elrohir on the boundary of Imladris, about to hand it over to the one remaining ringwraith. She was dragged back to Imladris, muttering things like, "It is precious to me...my own, my love, my Precious...." with a glazed expression. Taken in as part of Arwen's retinue, she was charged by Arwen with the creation of Aragorn's banner, but instead of a white tree on a black background, she got it backwards and prepared a black tree on a white background, which meant Arwen had to do a hasty last-minute substitution with her own work, resulting in considerable delay in Aragorn receiving the banner.
Following her failure both with the banner and obtaining any jewelry, Garwen rode to Rohan in hopes of keeping an eye on her husband Slorn, whom she there caught ogling Eowyn's bosom. Consequently, she decided to go along to Helms' Deep to keep an eye on him. At Helms' Deep, it was apparently she who nudged Slorn's arm as he was pointing out to her which exactly was the orc leader, resulting in the famous misfire that started the battle. She fought in the battle as well, though her image was later superimposed over by someone else in the movie.
Garwen rode to war with the Rohirrim, as she was unable to follow Slorn along the Paths of the Dead. Bosom bouncing as she rode, red hair flying in the wind, she made quite a picture alongside the slender, blonde figure of Dernhelm/Eowyn. Garwen was, however, of some service on the Pelennor Fields, as she brought down an oliphaunt single-handedly by lying down and tripping it.
Following the war, Garwen was present for Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, charged with the task of carrying the wedding-ring to be given to Arwen...but she swallowed it, while kissing it and muttering, "My Precious." When Slorn knocked over Frodo, whose body tripped Arwen, Garwen stumbled as well, and became so entangled with Arwen as they rolled down the aisle that Aragorn very nearly ended up marrying the wrong elf.
With Slorn locked in a tower in Minas Tirith, Garwen decided to go into business for herself, as there is indeed no ship that would dare take her West, as Cirdan had refused to give her passage on any boat for fear it would sink. She opened a chain of pizza parlours called, naturally, "My Precious," famous for serving pizza, lasagna, and salads absolutely doused in French dressing. She lives in Minas Tirith with the son she had by Slorn, "Garfield the Red," who shares his mother's penchant for food, and her little dog, Odour, who smells rather like her husband Slorn.
Editors' Note: As always, we welcome any news of Garwen, Garfield, Odour, Slorn, or any other family members not identified in these documents. Please send your news to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your interest in Middle-earth scholarship.
Garwen, daughter of Thranduil and sister of Legolas, is well-known as the only obese elf, due to her penchant for lasagna and salads drowned in French dressing. She is considered by many to be the reason Celebrian sailed West, as during the fray in which Celebrian was captured by orcs, she slapped the rump of Celebrian's horse, causing it to take off and dump Elrond's wife right into the hands of the waiting orcs.
In addition, Garwen is the real reason the dwarves were imprisoned: Bombur called daddy's favourite little girl "fat," resulting in prompt imprisonment. She is also the one who wanted the Arkenstone: she longed for a necklace "like Arwen's, Daddy!" which led to the Battle of Five Armies. Later on, she was the person who freed Gollum, which she did because "anybody who likes jewelry so much can't be bad." It was for these reasons that she was sent to Imladris with her brother Legolas: officially, ordered by Daddy to apologise personally for freeing Gollum; unofficially, with plans to steal the Evenstar so she would have a pretty necklace of her very own.
Garwen arrived in Imladris prior to the arrival of Aragorn and the hobbits, and was one of the many riders sent out by Elrond in search of the missing party. Unfortunately, she not only failed miserably, but got lost herself, and was found by Slorn only after many days of searching by both parties. They returned to Imladris just in time for her to assist in the care of the injured Frodo. Elrond asked her to mix up a sleeping-draught for the ailing hobbit, which she did, very effectively, but unfortunately she accidentally put the wrong cup on Elrond's supper-tray. As a result, Elrond was unconscious for three days and nights, during which time Garwen tended to young Frodo. She fed him pureed mushroom lasagna and sang to him, resulting in a progressive worsening of his condition. It is also known that she tried to take the Ring, but was caught by the twins Elladan and Elrohir on the boundary of Imladris, about to hand it over to the one remaining ringwraith. She was dragged back to Imladris, muttering things like, "It is precious to me...my own, my love, my Precious...." with a glazed expression. Taken in as part of Arwen's retinue, she was charged by Arwen with the creation of Aragorn's banner, but instead of a white tree on a black background, she got it backwards and prepared a black tree on a white background, which meant Arwen had to do a hasty last-minute substitution with her own work, resulting in considerable delay in Aragorn receiving the banner.
Following her failure both with the banner and obtaining any jewelry, Garwen rode to Rohan in hopes of keeping an eye on her husband Slorn, whom she there caught ogling Eowyn's bosom. Consequently, she decided to go along to Helms' Deep to keep an eye on him. At Helms' Deep, it was apparently she who nudged Slorn's arm as he was pointing out to her which exactly was the orc leader, resulting in the famous misfire that started the battle. She fought in the battle as well, though her image was later superimposed over by someone else in the movie.
Garwen rode to war with the Rohirrim, as she was unable to follow Slorn along the Paths of the Dead. Bosom bouncing as she rode, red hair flying in the wind, she made quite a picture alongside the slender, blonde figure of Dernhelm/Eowyn. Garwen was, however, of some service on the Pelennor Fields, as she brought down an oliphaunt single-handedly by lying down and tripping it.
Following the war, Garwen was present for Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, charged with the task of carrying the wedding-ring to be given to Arwen...but she swallowed it, while kissing it and muttering, "My Precious." When Slorn knocked over Frodo, whose body tripped Arwen, Garwen stumbled as well, and became so entangled with Arwen as they rolled down the aisle that Aragorn very nearly ended up marrying the wrong elf.
With Slorn locked in a tower in Minas Tirith, Garwen decided to go into business for herself, as there is indeed no ship that would dare take her West, as Cirdan had refused to give her passage on any boat for fear it would sink. She opened a chain of pizza parlours called, naturally, "My Precious," famous for serving pizza, lasagna, and salads absolutely doused in French dressing. She lives in Minas Tirith with the son she had by Slorn, "Garfield the Red," who shares his mother's penchant for food, and her little dog, Odour, who smells rather like her husband Slorn.
Editors' Note: As always, we welcome any news of Garwen, Garfield, Odour, Slorn, or any other family members not identified in these documents. Please send your news to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your interest in Middle-earth scholarship.
