New Discovery: Garwen the Great!
Sep. 23rd, 2011 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
febobeWe have just uncovered an additional document relating the adventures of one Garwen, wife of Slorn, which we have included here for your enjoyment and edification.
Garwen, daughter of Thranduil and sister of Legolas, is well-known as the only obese elf, due to her penchant for lasagna and salads drowned in French dressing. She is considered by many to be the reason Celebrian sailed West, as during the fray in which Celebrian was captured by orcs, she slapped the rump of Celebrian's horse, causing it to take off and dump Elrond's wife right into the hands of the waiting orcs.
In addition, Garwen is the real reason the dwarves were imprisoned: Bombur called daddy's favourite little girl "fat," resulting in prompt imprisonment. She is also the one who wanted the Arkenstone: she longed for a necklace "like Arwen's, Daddy!" which led to the Battle of Five Armies. Later on, she was the person who freed Gollum, which she did because "anybody who likes jewelry so much can't be bad." It was for these reasons that she was sent to Imladris with her brother Legolas: officially, ordered by Daddy to apologise personally for freeing Gollum; unofficially, with plans to steal the Evenstar so she would have a pretty necklace of her very own.
Garwen arrived in Imladris prior to the arrival of Aragorn and the hobbits, and was one of the many riders sent out by Elrond in search of the missing party. Unfortunately, she not only failed miserably, but got lost herself, and was found by Slorn only after many days of searching by both parties. They returned to Imladris just in time for her to assist in the care of the injured Frodo. Elrond asked her to mix up a sleeping-draught for the ailing hobbit, which she did, very effectively, but unfortunately she accidentally put the wrong cup on Elrond's supper-tray. As a result, Elrond was unconscious for three days and nights, during which time Garwen tended to young Frodo. She fed him pureed mushroom lasagna and sang to him, resulting in a progressive worsening of his condition. It is also known that she tried to take the Ring, but was caught by the twins Elladan and Elrohir on the boundary of Imladris, about to hand it over to the one remaining ringwraith. She was dragged back to Imladris, muttering things like, "It is precious to me...my own, my love, my Precious...." with a glazed expression. Taken in as part of Arwen's retinue, she was charged by Arwen with the creation of Aragorn's banner, but instead of a white tree on a black background, she got it backwards and prepared a black tree on a white background, which meant Arwen had to do a hasty last-minute substitution with her own work, resulting in considerable delay in Aragorn receiving the banner.
Following her failure both with the banner and obtaining any jewelry, Garwen rode to Rohan in hopes of keeping an eye on her husband Slorn, whom she there caught ogling Eowyn's bosom. Consequently, she decided to go along to Helms' Deep to keep an eye on him. At Helms' Deep, it was apparently she who nudged Slorn's arm as he was pointing out to her which exactly was the orc leader, resulting in the famous misfire that started the battle. She fought in the battle as well, though her image was later superimposed over by someone else in the movie.
Garwen rode to war with the Rohirrim, as she was unable to follow Slorn along the Paths of the Dead. Bosom bouncing as she rode, red hair flying in the wind, she made quite a picture alongside the slender, blonde figure of Dernhelm/Eowyn. Garwen was, however, of some service on the Pelennor Fields, as she brought down an oliphaunt single-handedly by lying down and tripping it.
Following the war, Garwen was present for Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, charged with the task of carrying the wedding-ring to be given to Arwen...but she swallowed it, while kissing it and muttering, "My Precious." When Slorn knocked over Frodo, whose body tripped Arwen, Garwen stumbled as well, and became so entangled with Arwen as they rolled down the aisle that Aragorn very nearly ended up marrying the wrong elf.
With Slorn locked in a tower in Minas Tirith, Garwen decided to go into business for herself, as there is indeed no ship that would dare take her West, as Cirdan had refused to give her passage on any boat for fear it would sink. She opened a chain of pizza parlours called, naturally, "My Precious," famous for serving pizza, lasagna, and salads absolutely doused in French dressing. She lives in Minas Tirith with the son she had by Slorn, "Garfield the Red," who shares his mother's penchant for food, and her little dog, Odour, who smells rather like her husband Slorn.
Editors' Note: As always, we welcome any news of Garwen, Garfield, Odour, Slorn, or any other family members not identified in these documents. Please send your news to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your interest in Middle-earth scholarship.
Garwen, daughter of Thranduil and sister of Legolas, is well-known as the only obese elf, due to her penchant for lasagna and salads drowned in French dressing. She is considered by many to be the reason Celebrian sailed West, as during the fray in which Celebrian was captured by orcs, she slapped the rump of Celebrian's horse, causing it to take off and dump Elrond's wife right into the hands of the waiting orcs.
In addition, Garwen is the real reason the dwarves were imprisoned: Bombur called daddy's favourite little girl "fat," resulting in prompt imprisonment. She is also the one who wanted the Arkenstone: she longed for a necklace "like Arwen's, Daddy!" which led to the Battle of Five Armies. Later on, she was the person who freed Gollum, which she did because "anybody who likes jewelry so much can't be bad." It was for these reasons that she was sent to Imladris with her brother Legolas: officially, ordered by Daddy to apologise personally for freeing Gollum; unofficially, with plans to steal the Evenstar so she would have a pretty necklace of her very own.
Garwen arrived in Imladris prior to the arrival of Aragorn and the hobbits, and was one of the many riders sent out by Elrond in search of the missing party. Unfortunately, she not only failed miserably, but got lost herself, and was found by Slorn only after many days of searching by both parties. They returned to Imladris just in time for her to assist in the care of the injured Frodo. Elrond asked her to mix up a sleeping-draught for the ailing hobbit, which she did, very effectively, but unfortunately she accidentally put the wrong cup on Elrond's supper-tray. As a result, Elrond was unconscious for three days and nights, during which time Garwen tended to young Frodo. She fed him pureed mushroom lasagna and sang to him, resulting in a progressive worsening of his condition. It is also known that she tried to take the Ring, but was caught by the twins Elladan and Elrohir on the boundary of Imladris, about to hand it over to the one remaining ringwraith. She was dragged back to Imladris, muttering things like, "It is precious to me...my own, my love, my Precious...." with a glazed expression. Taken in as part of Arwen's retinue, she was charged by Arwen with the creation of Aragorn's banner, but instead of a white tree on a black background, she got it backwards and prepared a black tree on a white background, which meant Arwen had to do a hasty last-minute substitution with her own work, resulting in considerable delay in Aragorn receiving the banner.
Following her failure both with the banner and obtaining any jewelry, Garwen rode to Rohan in hopes of keeping an eye on her husband Slorn, whom she there caught ogling Eowyn's bosom. Consequently, she decided to go along to Helms' Deep to keep an eye on him. At Helms' Deep, it was apparently she who nudged Slorn's arm as he was pointing out to her which exactly was the orc leader, resulting in the famous misfire that started the battle. She fought in the battle as well, though her image was later superimposed over by someone else in the movie.
Garwen rode to war with the Rohirrim, as she was unable to follow Slorn along the Paths of the Dead. Bosom bouncing as she rode, red hair flying in the wind, she made quite a picture alongside the slender, blonde figure of Dernhelm/Eowyn. Garwen was, however, of some service on the Pelennor Fields, as she brought down an oliphaunt single-handedly by lying down and tripping it.
Following the war, Garwen was present for Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, charged with the task of carrying the wedding-ring to be given to Arwen...but she swallowed it, while kissing it and muttering, "My Precious." When Slorn knocked over Frodo, whose body tripped Arwen, Garwen stumbled as well, and became so entangled with Arwen as they rolled down the aisle that Aragorn very nearly ended up marrying the wrong elf.
With Slorn locked in a tower in Minas Tirith, Garwen decided to go into business for herself, as there is indeed no ship that would dare take her West, as Cirdan had refused to give her passage on any boat for fear it would sink. She opened a chain of pizza parlours called, naturally, "My Precious," famous for serving pizza, lasagna, and salads absolutely doused in French dressing. She lives in Minas Tirith with the son she had by Slorn, "Garfield the Red," who shares his mother's penchant for food, and her little dog, Odour, who smells rather like her husband Slorn.
Editors' Note: As always, we welcome any news of Garwen, Garfield, Odour, Slorn, or any other family members not identified in these documents. Please send your news to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your interest in Middle-earth scholarship.
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no subject
Date: 2011-09-24 01:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-24 01:38 pm (UTC)One of the dwarves who settled in Minas Tirith several years after The War was a renowned healer and herbalist. He developed many remedies for pets as well as people (Big and Little), including the use of garlic as an insect repellant.
This healer also experimented with creating fabrics, and that's where the tragedy begins.
Hearing of Slorn-and-Garwen's *ahem* aromatic pet, he developed an aroma-neutralizing fabric that he sewed into a bag stuffed with cedar needles and chips (a well-known aroma neutralizer in itself). This cedar-stuffed bag he presented to the Pizza Queen as a bed for her elderly little dog, Odour.
Grateful and overjoyed, Garwen rushed home with Odour's new bed, which the happy little dog nested and scrunched until it was "just right." Little old Odour fell fast asleep and slept peacefully for 24 hours straight, dreaming of catching those pesky coneys that had always eluded him because they could smell him even before they could see him.
Sad to say, the pet-aroma-neutralizing bag absorbed so much of Odour's um, odor, that it reduced him to nothing -- albeit a sweet, cedar-chip-smelling nothing.
Slorn and Garwen believe to this day that Odour's time had already come and that Healer Schol's cedar bag actually made little Odour's last hours happy, peaceful, and yes, sweet-smelling. And they name one of his descendants "Odour" in his honor, even if the pup never becomes quite so Odourous.
Healer Schol was devastated by this apparent failure, but like a good dwarf, he continued experimenting and turned his Odour-eating bag into something very useful -- and not at all dangerous unless eaten -- for Big People and Dwarves as well.
We use similar products to this very day. Dr. Scholl's Odour Eaters are a very successful foot-aroma-absorbing shoe-and-boot insert.
And today, Healer Schol's descendants still share their profits with the family of Slorn and Garwen. A portion of the proceeds also benefits the Minas Tirith Animal Shelter and Pet Adoption Agency.
/insert Paul Harvey saying here/
no subject
Date: 2011-09-25 02:05 am (UTC)THANK YOU!!!! This is PRECISELY the type of response we've been hoping for! :D
Brilliant, dear, brilliant. May I post it to ff.net as part of Slorn and Garwen's adventures when I post that, with proper credit to you as the writer of this part of the saga, of course?
Love,
Febobe (& Elwen!)
no subject
Date: 2011-09-25 02:19 am (UTC)Of course you're welcome to post it. I'd be most honored!
(I would make this edit:
And from each doggy generation, they name one of his descendants "Odour" in his honor, even if the pup never becomes quite so Odourous.)
I'm glad y'all are having a good visit!
*hugs and brownies*
no subject
Date: 2011-09-24 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-25 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-25 08:32 pm (UTC)I'm certainly all for Middle-Earth scholarship. Keep up the good work! :)