Slorn of the Rings: A Tongue-in-Cheek Moment

Enjoy this discovery from Elwen and Febobe! :)

SLORN OF THE RINGS

Elwen and I have recently discovered a rare deleted Wikipedia entry about contributions to the Quest made by a little-known Ranger known as Slorn. We have included the entry below for your information and edification.

Slorn, the elder son of Arathorn and Gilraen, was taken to Imladris along with his younger brother Aragorn following their father's death at the hands of the orcs. In an unfortunate turn of events, Slorn was dropped on his head by Elrond during nappy-changing at a very early age. His life remained largely unremarkable, though it is known that the twins attempted to educate him (or feed him to orcs - no one is quite certain which). He became the first person to ever fail the Ranger map-reading course, which he never passed despite multiple attempts. Despite this, he is best known as the person who provided Aragorn and the hobbits with the alternative route they took to Imladris following the disastrous events of Weathertop.

Slorn was present at the Council of Elrond, and is also known as the first person to volunteer *not* to take the Ring anywhere, which was heartily seconded by all present. He was the obscure tenth member of the Fellowship. On Caradhras, he is thought to have started the avalanche with his shouting and stomping, then proceeded to drop Pippin on the way down, causing the young hobbit to roll through several yards of heavy snow before their arrival at the gates of Moria, where he helped throw stones and awaken the Watcher in the Water. Inside Moria, it is rumoured that he, not the Balrog, caused Gandalf's fall from the Bridge of Khazad-Dum - legend has it that he turned to congratulate the wizard with a sound pat on the back, which promptly pushed Gandalf over the edge into the chasm. Slorn was gifted by the Lady Galadriel with a map of Middle-earth, which he lost along the river in their further travels.

At Amon Hen, Slorn gave directions to Mount Doom to Frodo before the two hobbits set out, then proved instrumental in distracting the orcs, though he then had to be rescued by his younger brother, who subsequently arrived too late to save Boromir or protect the hobbits Merry and Pippin. It is thought by many that Slorn slowed their pursuit of the orcs by demanding a bathroom-stop every two hours as well as by reading the remaining map upside-down. In Rohan, he offended Eowyn by ogling her bosom, but managed to aid in the journey to Helms' Deep by providing considerable entertainment as he attempted to ride a horse and frequently slid so that his saddle faced the underside of his mount, causing him to be urinated upon more than twice.

During the battle of Helms' Deep, it is suspected that Slorn was actually the person who misfired the arrow that set off the battle. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli rescued him from many tight scrapes throughout the night as the orcs attempted to slash him, mistaking him for another orc due to the odour from horse pee. Slorn joined his younger brother on the journey through the Paths of the Dead, where he set off the avalanche of bones, forgetting either to warn his companions or to be careful.

In the battle of the Pelennor Fields, Slorn managed to get trapped beneath the Nazgul's mount when it was killed by Eowyn, and had to be dug out by Aragorn at a later point following the battle, delaying the healing of many. At the Black Gate, Slorn is widely known to have offended the Mouth of Sauron by talking about his foul breath, resulting in a complete breakdown of negotiations.

When Sam and Frodo were rescued and brought to Minas Tirith by eagle, Slorn attempted to assist his brother in treating their injuries. Sam had actually recovered Frodo's missing finger and it might have had hopes for reattachment, but Slorn took the finger for surgical purposes and promptly proceeded to lose it entirely. It was later found in a bowl of stew he had been eating. Slorn was finally put out of the sickroom when he tried to give Frodo mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but his breath proved so foul that it made Frodo vomit and choke. (Presumably he had not bathed since prior to the horse pee incidents.)

Slorn was forbidden to join in Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, but stole out to join the festivities nonetheless. He proceeded to make the big day memorable by shaking all the leaves from the trees, tripping as he made his way forward to watch the processional and knocking Frodo into the aisle, where Arwen fell over him and proceeded to roll down the carpet. Many injuries resulted, and Slorn was confined to the highest tower in Minas Tirith, where, it is said, he remains to this day, forbidden by Aragorn to come out.

(Editors' Notes: "Slorn" was inspired by a tub of coleslaw ("slaw") and a bowl of corn. It began with Febobe's husband at dinner tonight, continued by Elwen, and finished by Febobe. Febobe and Elwen proceeded to cackle madly, and the document above was the result. We welcome additional reports of the adventures of Slorn, as reports of his confinement remain unconfirmed, and his deeds are less well catalogued than those of many members of the Fellowship. Please post them to LiveJournal or submit them to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your assistance in this obscure area of Middle-earth scholarship.)

Slorn of the Rings: A Tongue-in-Cheek Moment

Enjoy this discovery from Elwen and Febobe! :)

SLORN OF THE RINGS

Elwen and I have recently discovered a rare deleted Wikipedia entry about contributions to the Quest made by a little-known Ranger known as Slorn. We have included the entry below for your information and edification.

Slorn, the elder son of Arathorn and Gilraen, was taken to Imladris along with his younger brother Aragorn following their father's death at the hands of the orcs. In an unfortunate turn of events, Slorn was dropped on his head by Elrond during nappy-changing at a very early age. His life remained largely unremarkable, though it is known that the twins attempted to educate him (or feed him to orcs - no one is quite certain which). He became the first person to ever fail the Ranger map-reading course, which he never passed despite multiple attempts. Despite this, he is best known as the person who provided Aragorn and the hobbits with the alternative route they took to Imladris following the disastrous events of Weathertop.

Slorn was present at the Council of Elrond, and is also known as the first person to volunteer *not* to take the Ring anywhere, which was heartily seconded by all present. He was the obscure tenth member of the Fellowship. On Caradhras, he is thought to have started the avalanche with his shouting and stomping, then proceeded to drop Pippin on the way down, causing the young hobbit to roll through several yards of heavy snow before their arrival at the gates of Moria, where he helped throw stones and awaken the Watcher in the Water. Inside Moria, it is rumoured that he, not the Balrog, caused Gandalf's fall from the Bridge of Khazad-Dum - legend has it that he turned to congratulate the wizard with a sound pat on the back, which promptly pushed Gandalf over the edge into the chasm. Slorn was gifted by the Lady Galadriel with a map of Middle-earth, which he lost along the river in their further travels.

At Amon Hen, Slorn gave directions to Mount Doom to Frodo before the two hobbits set out, then proved instrumental in distracting the orcs, though he then had to be rescued by his younger brother, who subsequently arrived too late to save Boromir or protect the hobbits Merry and Pippin. It is thought by many that Slorn slowed their pursuit of the orcs by demanding a bathroom-stop every two hours as well as by reading the remaining map upside-down. In Rohan, he offended Eowyn by ogling her bosom, but managed to aid in the journey to Helms' Deep by providing considerable entertainment as he attempted to ride a horse and frequently slid so that his saddle faced the underside of his mount, causing him to be urinated upon more than twice.

During the battle of Helms' Deep, it is suspected that Slorn was actually the person who misfired the arrow that set off the battle. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli rescued him from many tight scrapes throughout the night as the orcs attempted to slash him, mistaking him for another orc due to the odour from horse pee. Slorn joined his younger brother on the journey through the Paths of the Dead, where he set off the avalanche of bones, forgetting either to warn his companions or to be careful.

In the battle of the Pelennor Fields, Slorn managed to get trapped beneath the Nazgul's mount when it was killed by Eowyn, and had to be dug out by Aragorn at a later point following the battle, delaying the healing of many. At the Black Gate, Slorn is widely known to have offended the Mouth of Sauron by talking about his foul breath, resulting in a complete breakdown of negotiations.

When Sam and Frodo were rescued and brought to Minas Tirith by eagle, Slorn attempted to assist his brother in treating their injuries. Sam had actually recovered Frodo's missing finger and it might have had hopes for reattachment, but Slorn took the finger for surgical purposes and promptly proceeded to lose it entirely. It was later found in a bowl of stew he had been eating. Slorn was finally put out of the sickroom when he tried to give Frodo mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but his breath proved so foul that it made Frodo vomit and choke. (Presumably he had not bathed since prior to the horse pee incidents.)

Slorn was forbidden to join in Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, but stole out to join the festivities nonetheless. He proceeded to make the big day memorable by shaking all the leaves from the trees, tripping as he made his way forward to watch the processional and knocking Frodo into the aisle, where Arwen fell over him and proceeded to roll down the carpet. Many injuries resulted, and Slorn was confined to the highest tower in Minas Tirith, where, it is said, he remains to this day, forbidden by Aragorn to come out.

(Editors' Notes: "Slorn" was inspired by a tub of coleslaw ("slaw") and a bowl of corn. It began with Febobe's husband at dinner tonight, continued by Elwen, and finished by Febobe. Febobe and Elwen proceeded to cackle madly, and the document above was the result. We welcome additional reports of the adventures of Slorn, as reports of his confinement remain unconfirmed, and his deeds are less well catalogued than those of many members of the Fellowship. Please post them to LiveJournal or submit them to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your assistance in this obscure area of Middle-earth scholarship.)

New Discovery: Garwen the Great!

We have just uncovered an additional document relating the adventures of one Garwen, wife of Slorn, which we have included here for your enjoyment and edification.

Garwen, daughter of Thranduil and sister of Legolas, is well-known as the only obese elf, due to her penchant for lasagna and salads drowned in French dressing. She is considered by many to be the reason Celebrian sailed West, as during the fray in which Celebrian was captured by orcs, she slapped the rump of Celebrian's horse, causing it to take off and dump Elrond's wife right into the hands of the waiting orcs.

In addition, Garwen is the real reason the dwarves were imprisoned: Bombur called daddy's favourite little girl "fat," resulting in prompt imprisonment. She is also the one who wanted the Arkenstone: she longed for a necklace "like Arwen's, Daddy!" which led to the Battle of Five Armies. Later on, she was the person who freed Gollum, which she did because "anybody who likes jewelry so much can't be bad." It was for these reasons that she was sent to Imladris with her brother Legolas: officially, ordered by Daddy to apologise personally for freeing Gollum; unofficially, with plans to steal the Evenstar so she would have a pretty necklace of her very own.

Garwen arrived in Imladris prior to the arrival of Aragorn and the hobbits, and was one of the many riders sent out by Elrond in search of the missing party. Unfortunately, she not only failed miserably, but got lost herself, and was found by Slorn only after many days of searching by both parties. They returned to Imladris just in time for her to assist in the care of the injured Frodo. Elrond asked her to mix up a sleeping-draught for the ailing hobbit, which she did, very effectively, but unfortunately she accidentally put the wrong cup on Elrond's supper-tray. As a result, Elrond was unconscious for three days and nights, during which time Garwen tended to young Frodo. She fed him pureed mushroom lasagna and sang to him, resulting in a progressive worsening of his condition. It is also known that she tried to take the Ring, but was caught by the twins Elladan and Elrohir on the boundary of Imladris, about to hand it over to the one remaining ringwraith. She was dragged back to Imladris, muttering things like, "It is precious to me...my own, my love, my Precious...." with a glazed expression. Taken in as part of Arwen's retinue, she was charged by Arwen with the creation of Aragorn's banner, but instead of a white tree on a black background, she got it backwards and prepared a black tree on a white background, which meant Arwen had to do a hasty last-minute substitution with her own work, resulting in considerable delay in Aragorn receiving the banner.

Following her failure both with the banner and obtaining any jewelry, Garwen rode to Rohan in hopes of keeping an eye on her husband Slorn, whom she there caught ogling Eowyn's bosom. Consequently, she decided to go along to Helms' Deep to keep an eye on him. At Helms' Deep, it was apparently she who nudged Slorn's arm as he was pointing out to her which exactly was the orc leader, resulting in the famous misfire that started the battle. She fought in the battle as well, though her image was later superimposed over by someone else in the movie.

Garwen rode to war with the Rohirrim, as she was unable to follow Slorn along the Paths of the Dead. Bosom bouncing as she rode, red hair flying in the wind, she made quite a picture alongside the slender, blonde figure of Dernhelm/Eowyn. Garwen was, however, of some service on the Pelennor Fields, as she brought down an oliphaunt single-handedly by lying down and tripping it.

Following the war, Garwen was present for Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, charged with the task of carrying the wedding-ring to be given to Arwen...but she swallowed it, while kissing it and muttering, "My Precious." When Slorn knocked over Frodo, whose body tripped Arwen, Garwen stumbled as well, and became so entangled with Arwen as they rolled down the aisle that Aragorn very nearly ended up marrying the wrong elf.

With Slorn locked in a tower in Minas Tirith, Garwen decided to go into business for herself, as there is indeed no ship that would dare take her West, as Cirdan had refused to give her passage on any boat for fear it would sink. She opened a chain of pizza parlours called, naturally, "My Precious," famous for serving pizza, lasagna, and salads absolutely doused in French dressing. She lives in Minas Tirith with the son she had by Slorn, "Garfield the Red," who shares his mother's penchant for food, and her little dog, Odour, who smells rather like her husband Slorn.

Editors' Note: As always, we welcome any news of Garwen, Garfield, Odour, Slorn, or any other family members not identified in these documents. Please send your news to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your interest in Middle-earth scholarship.

New Discovery: Garwen the Great!

We have just uncovered an additional document relating the adventures of one Garwen, wife of Slorn, which we have included here for your enjoyment and edification.

Garwen, daughter of Thranduil and sister of Legolas, is well-known as the only obese elf, due to her penchant for lasagna and salads drowned in French dressing. She is considered by many to be the reason Celebrian sailed West, as during the fray in which Celebrian was captured by orcs, she slapped the rump of Celebrian's horse, causing it to take off and dump Elrond's wife right into the hands of the waiting orcs.

In addition, Garwen is the real reason the dwarves were imprisoned: Bombur called daddy's favourite little girl "fat," resulting in prompt imprisonment. She is also the one who wanted the Arkenstone: she longed for a necklace "like Arwen's, Daddy!" which led to the Battle of Five Armies. Later on, she was the person who freed Gollum, which she did because "anybody who likes jewelry so much can't be bad." It was for these reasons that she was sent to Imladris with her brother Legolas: officially, ordered by Daddy to apologise personally for freeing Gollum; unofficially, with plans to steal the Evenstar so she would have a pretty necklace of her very own.

Garwen arrived in Imladris prior to the arrival of Aragorn and the hobbits, and was one of the many riders sent out by Elrond in search of the missing party. Unfortunately, she not only failed miserably, but got lost herself, and was found by Slorn only after many days of searching by both parties. They returned to Imladris just in time for her to assist in the care of the injured Frodo. Elrond asked her to mix up a sleeping-draught for the ailing hobbit, which she did, very effectively, but unfortunately she accidentally put the wrong cup on Elrond's supper-tray. As a result, Elrond was unconscious for three days and nights, during which time Garwen tended to young Frodo. She fed him pureed mushroom lasagna and sang to him, resulting in a progressive worsening of his condition. It is also known that she tried to take the Ring, but was caught by the twins Elladan and Elrohir on the boundary of Imladris, about to hand it over to the one remaining ringwraith. She was dragged back to Imladris, muttering things like, "It is precious to me...my own, my love, my Precious...." with a glazed expression. Taken in as part of Arwen's retinue, she was charged by Arwen with the creation of Aragorn's banner, but instead of a white tree on a black background, she got it backwards and prepared a black tree on a white background, which meant Arwen had to do a hasty last-minute substitution with her own work, resulting in considerable delay in Aragorn receiving the banner.

Following her failure both with the banner and obtaining any jewelry, Garwen rode to Rohan in hopes of keeping an eye on her husband Slorn, whom she there caught ogling Eowyn's bosom. Consequently, she decided to go along to Helms' Deep to keep an eye on him. At Helms' Deep, it was apparently she who nudged Slorn's arm as he was pointing out to her which exactly was the orc leader, resulting in the famous misfire that started the battle. She fought in the battle as well, though her image was later superimposed over by someone else in the movie.

Garwen rode to war with the Rohirrim, as she was unable to follow Slorn along the Paths of the Dead. Bosom bouncing as she rode, red hair flying in the wind, she made quite a picture alongside the slender, blonde figure of Dernhelm/Eowyn. Garwen was, however, of some service on the Pelennor Fields, as she brought down an oliphaunt single-handedly by lying down and tripping it.

Following the war, Garwen was present for Aragorn's and Arwen's wedding, charged with the task of carrying the wedding-ring to be given to Arwen...but she swallowed it, while kissing it and muttering, "My Precious." When Slorn knocked over Frodo, whose body tripped Arwen, Garwen stumbled as well, and became so entangled with Arwen as they rolled down the aisle that Aragorn very nearly ended up marrying the wrong elf.

With Slorn locked in a tower in Minas Tirith, Garwen decided to go into business for herself, as there is indeed no ship that would dare take her West, as Cirdan had refused to give her passage on any boat for fear it would sink. She opened a chain of pizza parlours called, naturally, "My Precious," famous for serving pizza, lasagna, and salads absolutely doused in French dressing. She lives in Minas Tirith with the son she had by Slorn, "Garfield the Red," who shares his mother's penchant for food, and her little dog, Odour, who smells rather like her husband Slorn.

Editors' Note: As always, we welcome any news of Garwen, Garfield, Odour, Slorn, or any other family members not identified in these documents. Please send your news to febobe at yahoo dot com. Thank you for your interest in Middle-earth scholarship.